i wonder if it remembers me

"in twelve years, he'll be eleven and a half."

"...that was my favorite age."









it's amazing, what a few lines can do.

sigur ros- staralfur

i fucking hate callaway gardens

christmas had come and gone, and it didn't feel like christmas at all. i was more in the holiday mood in athens than i was in macon. something was missing and i'm still trying to figure out what.

eric and cheryl came up for a while and that was nice. married since august, they are still lovely dovery and all around cute. looks like things are going well.

i never got to ask her how the sex was. i'll do that next time i talk to her.

but if she gets me one more thing from disney for christmas/birthday i am going to disown her. i really need to tell her that i can't stand it anymore. i will never ever put up the poster she got me. but it's the thought that counts, right? god, talk about me being an ungrateful bitch.

got a lot of books and movies i wanted. gave a lot of stuff and spent way too much, but it's worth it.

brokeback mountain was amazing. everyone must go see it.

new year's eve is going to be amazing. krush girls is going to be amazing. i can't wait.

now monopoly with rachel and tom. this is what macon has reduced us to.

it shouldn't affect me

john spencer died with past weekend. for those of you who don't know, he played leo on the west wing, one of my favorite tv shows for the past six years.

i am heartbroken. he was an amazing actor and i've seen him in a number of other things, but him portraying leo is what i will always remember him as. he died of a heart attack and was in his late 50s.

all the articles i've read are saying the same thing: his character had a heart attack and survived, he had one and didn't. both he and leo were recovering alcoholics, etc etc. there are a lot of parallels. too many, in fact.

my first thought was for the cast of the show. working together with someone for six years will form bonds and these people will essentially become a family. i can't imagine what they are going through, losing someone so sudden. my thoughts go out to them.

my second thought is of the show itself. i want them to honor spencer (and i know they will), but i don't know how they are going to make it work. spencer's character had a prominent role this season, and with him suddenly out of their lives it will be hard to rework the show. i have a feeling that they will have an episode regarding spencer's death as leo's death, but...God, that will be so hard to watch. if the characters start crying, i have a feeling it won't be forced. whatever they plan to do i know that the mourning and sadness i see on the actors faces will not be acting. it's real, and it'll hit too close to home.

i almost want them to ignore it entirely, so that the actors of the show (martin sheen, bradley whitford, allison janney...) won't have their true feelings and hearts shown to an audiance, and so that i won't cry my eyes out at the injustice of it all. but they can't, and they won't. i trust them to do what's right in this regard, and i've read that everyone will have some input on what should/will be done.

is this what it will always be like? you form an attachment to certain actors and actresses (and in some cases the characters they play more than the person), and suddenly they aren't there anymore. it's an awful feeling.

rest in peace john spencer. you will be missed.

visiting ohio

got back from cincinnati a couple of hours ago-- drove the whole way back myself (an accomplishment that may not seem that much to anyone else but me).

about GRANDMA...
so the subject of the trip was grandma's will. specifically, who gets what. grandma wants everyone to tell her what they want so no one will fight over things in the end, but no one wants to seem greedy and say "i want this. i want that." i completely agree with her when she said they would fight over things. so hopefully people will start writing down things they like, etc. oh, and apparently grandma is giving her pearls to lisa.

what. the. fuck.

background story on THE PEARLS...
before grandpa died he bought a set of pearls for my grandmother for her birthday. he died and she found out he had bought them for her, asked the kids whether she should keep them ("of course!") and they are now her prized possession, and understandably so.

grandma's logic for giving these away is as follows: john's wife has pearls, linda has pearls, so does joann (my mom), and the other girls. let's give them to lisa.

umm...no. not cool. why not erin? or cheryl? well, there's a story behind that too.

about ERIN'S BAD CHOICE...
erin is overweight and has somewhat of a low self-esteem. she is seeing a man that is in jail, who has two young girls that are currently living with their mother and the new husband. erin helped raise these girls, so they are not an issue. grandma is afraid that if she gives the pearls to erin then they will just end up in a pawn shop. i know that erin would never let that happen, but (like my dad said tonight) everyone has the same mentality: she won't, but he will.

so BACK TO THE PEARLS...
mom and uncle john think the pearls should be split up. made into earrings, braclets, whatever. there has to be a way that all of grandma's children (read: NOT LISA) can cherish this gift their father gave their mother before he died. i completely agree.

about THE MOOCHERS...
mom and i talked about steve and lisa. this is her third marriage and has had a child with each one. steve has been using grandma as financial backup for his family for years and everyone knows it. we both think that as soon as grandma dies lisa will divorce steve and take the pearls with her, because her part-time job can't support everyone. i, once again, agree. i always liked sue better than lisa. that house seems devoid of an essential element to marraige (read: LOVE)-- it's more like a business contract than anything.

about JANIS'S GAY KIDS...
i swear there is something wrong with andrew and david. especially david. that kid is more annoying, loud, and in need of a smack down then anyone i have ever met. matthew, the youngest, is okay, but he keeps imitating his brothers, which isn't so okay. we went to confession and during the service he started to take apart the kneeler and i nearly wet myself i was laughing so hard. my mother had to walk to the back in order to compose herself. and this is just one out of many occurances.

TO END...
marla was feeling under the weather during most of the visit, matthew was throwing up, mom feels like shit right now, and we called linda and she's not feeling too hot either (which is bad). i love my family more than life itself. i love the dysfunction and the laughing. i love the anger and the sarcasm that comes with trips like this and it makes me want to leave uga and go to ohio state just so i can be close to everyone. but i'm glad to be back so i can start decorating and making ass loads of cookies and other great food.

oh, and grades were pretty good too.

(re)discovering music

sondre lerche.

check him out.

i suggest "dead passangers," "sleep on needles," and "it's too late" for a first taste.

good news, bad news

i can't think about school right now. i can't think about anything, except the one thing i wish wasn't happening.

this week needs to end, now.

i don't have time for school...not when lives are being changed.

christmas party

hooray for christmas parties.

hooray for wine.

hooray for making out with girlfriends and having their boyfriends take pictures.


hooray for friends in general and feeling an all-around great vibe in the house.

boo for not getting any real action that you've been cravin (cough cough).

hooray for being drunk.



edit: i had to take the picture down, sorry guys.

suddenly i see

what the hell? it's the last day of classes?

but so much hasn't happened yet. there's too many things i swore i would do/change before the semester was done.

fuck, things are moving fast. i feel like i'm swimming upstream, and next semester isn't going to be any better.

more classes
getting my shit ready for new england
the possibility of crew? (sigh)

currently editing my rationale, then getting my ass on campus as soon as possible to finish everything else.



thought of the day: it takes 10 seconds to make an impression, and 20 minutes to change it.

no day but today

it's been a while since my last post and a lot has happened since then. thanksgiving has come and gone, but for that i am thankful. it didn't feel like thanksgiving at all and being in orlando in 77 degree weather didn't fill me with novemberish holiday glee. stayed at cheryl's place and realized how much she hasn't grown up in the past six years. don't get me wrong, it's a great place, but you can tell that both she and eric are trying to mesh their stuff together as best as possible, but to no avail.

they just have too much shit. and most of it is cheryl's.

the thing about my sister is that she saves everything. and when i mean everything, i mean everything. she has a whole bookshelf devoted to every stuffed animal she has ever owned because she doesn't want to give it up. all the posters she has ever had are rolled up and put in the corner, and don't even get me started on the dolls my grandmother gave the two of us starring eerily down at the bed from atop the highest shelf on the dresser (which is my white one i had growing up. i was happy to see it go).

even if they had a bigger place, there would not be enough room for all their stuff. i need to talk to cheryl about it, because i think eric is just too nice to say otherwise. he loves her and if that means he has to deal with all of her childhood memorabila he'll do it. i'm her sister so it's my duty to tell her she's most likely torturing her husband.

the dinner itself was okay, but i becagan to feel ill later in the day. i skipped out on the disney festivities early in the evening and saw RENT and Just Friends instead. both were great (the latter surprisingly so), and i really want to see the play of RENT now. when i told dad i saw it he got that look on his face. it's the same one a friend of mine had when he asked if i had seen any movies over the break. "what's it about?" another friend asks. "the one about the gays" the first answers.

i'm sorry, what the fuck did you just say?

i'm not going to get into that. my rant about attitudes towards homosexuality can (and will be) saved for another time and place. just know that the conversation we had was polite and no harsh words were spoken. i was generally interested in knowing why he felt the way he did and i got my answer. i didn't like it, but i got it, and deep down i understood. i don't think it's right (in fact the when he said a certain phrase i hear all-too-often it physically pained me), but i respect his decision to think the way he does.

the weather today was absolute shit. we're in that transition between winter and fall where everything is either dying or is already dead. it's gray clouds and wind, falling leaves and stagnant puddles of cold water. but i bundle up in my warn-in scarf and funky gloves, listen to my lastest obsession (the RENT original score), and smile because it's almost christmas and i am content. not happy, but very content. i don't know when i'll cross over the line back to happy, but i hope it will be soon. there's something missing right now and, though i have a feeling i know what it is, i'm not going to go looking for it. i'm tired of looking. i ache from looking. i'm not going to let opportunities pass me by, but for a while i'm going to stop trying to create them myself. step back and let see where the wind takes me and all that.

we are having a christmas party at the house soon, one that will be very different from our usual gatherings. strictly dress up, wine, champagne, fondue, holiday music, and mistletoe galore. we're going to decorate the house this weekend, and with the $25 target gift certificate i won tonight at poker it's sure to look great. i love this time of year.

i need to talk to my friends more. these past two weeks have been hectic, but it's my fault for pushing so much aside and saving it for later. lives are changing and i'm not there to bear witness, and for that i'm sad. i'm starting my new years resolution of calling people more often a month early.

oh, funny thanksgiving story time:

i was trapped in my parents car for an hour while they were shopping. it was late and i was feeling like shit, so i decided to sleep in the car while they looked around, but a couple of minutes after they left i decided to deal with it and go with. i go to unlock the door and the alarm starts going off. i'm talking full-fledged alarm with flashing lights, honking, and the overhead light on. i think that was the worst because everyone in the parking lot could watch me scramble around and try to stop it/get out, to no avail, of course. i just remember looking out the back and seeing a little boy with his hands over his ears and looking at his dad, who in turn was looking at me like i was crazy.

after much button pushing, door shoving, and cursing i realized that i couldn't get out. there were no keys to be found, mom's cell was off (because she only turns it on when she's expecting a phone call. pfft), and toyota was telling me that they would be happy to assist me if i would be so kind as to call during their business hours.

it wasn't until they got back that we looked through the manual again and found out that the car can't be opened from the outside or inside if the car is locked. dad freaked out and went on for about 30 minutes on how dangerous that was, while mom was laughing hysterically over the fact that i had been trapped. stupid new cars. at least we learned about this now and not later when it could have been potentionally bad.

God, this post was too long. i need to update more often.