it shouldn't affect me

john spencer died with past weekend. for those of you who don't know, he played leo on the west wing, one of my favorite tv shows for the past six years.

i am heartbroken. he was an amazing actor and i've seen him in a number of other things, but him portraying leo is what i will always remember him as. he died of a heart attack and was in his late 50s.

all the articles i've read are saying the same thing: his character had a heart attack and survived, he had one and didn't. both he and leo were recovering alcoholics, etc etc. there are a lot of parallels. too many, in fact.

my first thought was for the cast of the show. working together with someone for six years will form bonds and these people will essentially become a family. i can't imagine what they are going through, losing someone so sudden. my thoughts go out to them.

my second thought is of the show itself. i want them to honor spencer (and i know they will), but i don't know how they are going to make it work. spencer's character had a prominent role this season, and with him suddenly out of their lives it will be hard to rework the show. i have a feeling that they will have an episode regarding spencer's death as leo's death, but...God, that will be so hard to watch. if the characters start crying, i have a feeling it won't be forced. whatever they plan to do i know that the mourning and sadness i see on the actors faces will not be acting. it's real, and it'll hit too close to home.

i almost want them to ignore it entirely, so that the actors of the show (martin sheen, bradley whitford, allison janney...) won't have their true feelings and hearts shown to an audiance, and so that i won't cry my eyes out at the injustice of it all. but they can't, and they won't. i trust them to do what's right in this regard, and i've read that everyone will have some input on what should/will be done.

is this what it will always be like? you form an attachment to certain actors and actresses (and in some cases the characters they play more than the person), and suddenly they aren't there anymore. it's an awful feeling.

rest in peace john spencer. you will be missed.