"You want to fly away all the time, but you expect everything to be the same when you come home."
This is what my mother said to me on the phone yesterday and I feel it's an accurate description of my life. I'm always looking for a way to...get away. Only for a little bit, only for a chance to see what I'm made of, to see what life can hand me. But when I come home (during the holidays, for instance) I expect the same tradition. Time changes, people grow up. I grow up.
This year my family is getting a pre-made Thanksgiving dinner. Pre-made. There are good reasons for the decision, but I swear it nearly breaks my heart. Thanksgiving used to be about laughing and cooking and burning various side items and praying the turkey was moist enough (Alton Brown solved this problem, thankfully). We're getting a pre-made dinner because of a time crunch on Thursday-- we need to visit my grandmother that will be an hour away, who is not doing so well. If the situation had been explained to me I would have understood. Instead I went off on my Dad and ranted about how going to Orlando for all these Thanksgivings is slowly deteriorating our holiday traditions.
Hell, I don't even care that much about Thanksgiving. So why the rant and complaining? I'm tired of going to Orlando for holiday after holiday. But I'm told as long as the family is together it doesn't matter where one is. Sure, I completely agree, but family can only take you so far.
I love my family. Dearly. More than most will understand, but my memories of holidays in Orlando aren't filled with joyous times laughing and hugging Mickey Mouse and snapping pictures left and right. Rather my memories consist of resentment for the crowds, the departure from friends that I hardly see to begin with, the absolute complaining of late Thanksgiving dinners and walking out of a nice restaurant mid-meal. I love my family and want to see them, but adding "I can't wait to see them" would be a false statement.
I have too much work to do to be excited about Thanksgiving. This will not be a relaxing vacation for me. I'm taking three textbooks with me and possibly my laptop. I have too much work that needs to be prepared by the time I get back. Part of my wishes they could just come here, because Lord knows I don't have the time for all of this.
Of course, my absence is exactly what my family fears most. My Dad expects it, because that's how his family was. But my mother demands my presence, and for good reason. I'm the flier in the family, the one that wants to get away as far as possible. I'm the one that wants to live in other countries and visit only on holidays. Sometimes. Maybe.
I don't want to become that person, but I can easily see it happening. My parents see my sister four or more times a year. Now that I've "flown the coup" and graduated no one knows if it's going to be the same for me. I talk to my parents often, but seeing them is another matter.
I've been invited by my job to go visit a hard-to-visit country in the beginning of June. It's a wonderful opportunity, but it's going to cost me. I'm willing to pay the amount, as long as I can get back for my job in the summer. June would have been the only time for me to visit family and friends back in Georgia. But with this trip and my summer job I will have less than a two week window to visit with any of them. And the possibility of missing my mother's birthday and anniversary is high.
"You want to fly away all the time...."
It would be such a great opportunity to make this trip with coworkers, but if I do then the possibility of seeing my family would be slim. To the point where I wouldn't see them until Thanksgiving '08. That would be eleven months. Unacceptable. To them or to me I'm still deciding.
