today in my human rights class we watched one of the many videos showing a man being beheaded in iraq. the reason for this man's death was making a video. hell, i don't even know if he actually got to make one, but he was kidnapped and beheaded in front of a camera for all the world to see.

i almost threw up.

i feel like i use that term a lot in order to emphasis something that is displeasing to me, but in this instance i mean it in its most literal sense. i felt the bile rising up in my throat and i was holding my hand so hard against my mouth that my lips were sore long after the video ended.

i don't even know where to start with explaining it. i almost feel that it's better for people to read this instead of seeing the actual video because once you see something like that everything changes. i need to get this out and i need to talk about it, but i can't. this is the only way i can talk about what i saw and how i felt. stop now if you don't want to read anymore. i'm sorry if this bothers anyone, but no matter how much you hate me for writing this it's nothing compared to what i feel.



it started with several men in black standing behind a man kneeling on the floor. there was a bag over his head so he couldn't see what was going on, and my bet is that he couldn't understand what they were saying either. they made their announcment and then laid him on his side and grabbed his head. and then started sawing away at his neck with a knife. a knife that wasn't particuarly big or special. it looked like a large kitchen knife.

they started sawing back and forth right underneath his chin. right where you can feel yourself swallowing. and then he started screaming, but it sounded like there was a gag in his mouth because it was muffled, though that could have been the bag.



God. there was so. much. blood.



the man's screams then turned into gurgles, but you could still hear the knife ripping through skin. his body was twitching and spasming. you could see the blood flowing out of his neck like a river and spilling across the floor and on the executioner.

i wanted to walk out so bad. i want to forget that i've seen this and go back to my happy life where i read about these things in the news and say "that's awful." you can't hear him screaming and then gurgling. you can't see his muscles and tendons and bones and blood in an article. you can't see his head teeter on the floor after they cut through his last bit on neck, or when they hold it up for all to see. you don't see the man's dead open eyes stare back at you, his mouth opened like he's still trying to scream.

he was the first. there have been many others killed in this way, some taped and some not.

i can't stop crying when i think about it and i can't stop my throat from closing up at the thought of the knife touching his skin. i wouldn't want to wish anyone to watch that or go through something like that. i am furious that these people would tape this, but i know it's their way of showing the world that they have authority over everyone. it's their proof that they are just as powerful as a state, because only states execute people.

fuck.